When we started having children over 25 years ago, we read the book What To Expect When You’re Expecting from cover to cover. After a careful reading of that book and three kids later we have learned that there was more to being a parent than reading the book and following the instructions. There were so many things we learned, tried, failed, and tried again. There was laughter and tears, joy and pain, and through it all we learned lessons we wished others had shared with us. So, that’s what we want to do now. We are “empty nesters”, our three children have moved out and are living their best lives and building their futures. We’ve been through the struggles, with the sleepless nights, with the hard decisions that had to be made, and we want to share our observations with those that are starting to build their nests. Will we admit we are not perfect parents, and your parenting style may be different, or even better, we are confident that offering a bit of advice may help and encourage young parents as they go through the new nest struggles.

1. Put God first in your family.

You will never regret putting God first the first time you lay eyes on your first born. Kids tend to follow and love the same things we do. They always seemed to want our food off of our plate and to follow us to the bathroom. We, as their parents, are the first ones they love, the first ones they imitate, the first ones they want to be. If we as their parents are putting God first, they will as well. If we as their parents love God, they will as well. If we as their parents imitate God and try our absolute best to be more and more like Him everyday, they will as well.

Take your children to Bible class, Sunday and Wednesday. Take them to worship. Let them see you pray and sing. Teach them to take notes during the sermon. Take them to VBS every summer. Get them to church camp. Show them the times that choices have to be made between a school or family activity and worship and that you chose worship. Too many parents have children that are not interested in God and cannot figure out why. It was because Christ was not first in the family, a choice allowed by the parent. Change that dynamic in your home!

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and great commandment.” (Matthew 22:37, 38)

2. Cherish the times you have together, it will not always be like this.

We get it, kids can wear you out! After a long day of work, you want to come home and practice your best couch potato impression, then the small voice from the next room calls, “will you play with me?” It is easy to say “not now, maybe later” but those laters pass by and the kids are gone. Use the time together to make memories, that when they are older, your kids will look back on and know that’s when we knew mom and dad loved us. Be silly. Laugh together. Wrestle on the floor and let them win. Take them with you to the store. Let them prepare supper beside you. Take pictures…lots of pictures! 

As our children grew up and moved out, we continued to remind ourselves that this is the way it has to be. We did it with our parents and now they are doing it with us. But as they get older, the opportunities to make memories and cherish those little moments…the hugs, the messes, the laughs…become less and less. They are making new memories with new people. Friends and activities take the place of quiet nights on the couch eating popcorn and watching a movie. While their life goes forward, and you love and support them, you will have the moments of when they were little running like a film loop in your head, and that will warm your heart. 

“See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise, redeeming the time, because the days are evil.” (Ephesians 5:15)

3. Practice discipline.

There are two types of discipline that a family needs. The first can be defined as “to train oneself to do something in a controlled and habitual way.” Give your kids routines that will cause them to be disciplined enough to know what is expected of them and they will do it without being told. For example, bedtime routines help to not only get the kids to bed quickly, but also teaches them they can get ready for bed without the fighting and tears. When our kids were young, they knew that 9:00 was bedtime during the school year and they disciplined themselves to know when it was time, what was expected of them, and to do it without being told. This kind of behavior will aid them later in life in their careers and in the church. Disciplined children become responsible adults.

The second type of discipline is the kind most people think of…correction. Every parents form of discipline certainly depends on the kids. Disciplining a boy was much different than disciplining a girl, so you may have to develop a discipline tailored to their personalities. There must be a set of rules in a family and consequences if those rules are broken. Your kids need to know that you are serious when you tell them to stop. You don’t need to count to three before you do anything, say what you mean and act when you mean it. But remember, discipline without love is abuse, and that is not permissible at any time. You love your children, you want them to love and respect you, and discipline will go a long way in developing the type of relationship you want with them. But also take into account that they are kids and sometimes kids make mistakes, be understanding but firm. Remember, you’re the parent, you’re the adult, it is your home, you are in charge, not the children.

“Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” (Hebrews 12:11)

4. Don’t give up on the difficult days.

Yep, everyday will not be filled with sunshine and rainbows. There will be days when your sweet little children will try and push the limits. There will be days when one kid passes on that dreaded stomach virus to another and another and then after you nurse everyone back to health it ends up being your turn. School work becomes difficult and frustrating. And just you wait until you face driver permits and dating. The point is there will be many difficult days, but you must not give up. Don’t give up teaching. Our kids have plenty to learn and it’s our job as parents to teach them. Don’t give up loving. Our kids need to have parents that love them, especially on those difficult days. Don’t give up leading. There will be days where it’s just easier to miss worship services or skip family devotionals or bedtime prayers. The first six months of our sons life were the hardest. He cried a lot. Honestly, it would have been easier to stay home. But the question one has to answer is where are we leading our children. Don’t give up. Our Heavenly Father has not and will not give up on us and that’s the kind of attitude we need to have with our children. Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up.

“And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.” (Galatians 6:9)

5. Make time for your spouse.

As you sit there looking at your little child, as difficult as it may be to hear, one day that child will soon be an adult and will no longer be living in your house. The diapers will end. The bath time, story time, and playtime will all become a memory. It will just be you and your spouse and according to the vows we made on our wedding day it will just be me and my spouse till death do us part. Sometimes I think we forget that point of the ceremony when the children come. If we are not careful we can become so focused on the children that our spouse will be just a roommate.

Make time for you spouse many seem like a daunting task when every moment is spent tending to the cries of your newborn. But let me tell you, the amount of time doesn’t much matter. It only takes 10 seconds to leave a note on the bathroom mirror with a dry erase marker. It only takes a few seconds to write a note on a post it and leave it somewhere your spouse will find it unexpectedly. Send random texts. Send the kids and your phones to bed before you and sit next to each other on the couch. Be intentional about making time for each other. Your spouse is not your roommate, they are the rock you hold onto during the difficult days of raising a family. They are your counselor to listen to your feelings about raising your family. There will be nobody closer to understanding what your dealing with than your spouse, make time for each other.

“For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Matthew 19:5, 6)

We are sure there may be more advice you can get from empty nesters about starting your family, but these are our top five tips. We love you and the awesome responsibility you’re taking to raise a family. If there is anything we can do to support you, please reach out.

Justin & Kristina